The Conflict Within My Heart
Posted with permission from Wendall T. Hair-
“People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things,” he said. “They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance and rebellion.” President Uchtdorf said this in conference and he’s right.
I’m going to take the time and admit that this is probably my greatest motivator right now, though I feel that I genuinely try to do the right thing no matter what. Still there is a lot of fear in my heart. I fear I will never be with my family for all eternity; I lost several family members last year, never to see them again in this life, never to say goodbye to them or hug them again.
I fear that I will never ever live up to His expectations that I will never be good enough. I fear that He will never accept my own future family. I hate the Proclamation of the Family because it’s a constant reminder of what I didn’t come from and what I can’t truly have, or in the eyes of His church I’m invalid and not acceptable. I’m angry at my church leaders because they constantly remind me that I didn’t come from that. And the family I want to have will never be acceptable before God. I’m angry because I gave so much and yet I get so little in return. I just want to fit into His plan and have the assurance that I am more than this. I am living in a period of utter helplessness and I can’t win and I always disappoint. No, I’m not here to stir up contention between my friends; this is the conflict that has continually stirred within my own heart. When I learned that I couldn’t be sealed to just my mom five years ago and when I found out why my dad wasn’t in my life and the circumstances of my birth – when my testimony was shaken to almost nonexistence when the Nov 5th, 2015 policy came out – when I needed them the most, my leaders pretty much swatted me away or brushed me aside. Yea, President Uchtdorf you truly nailed it in the coffin.
The hardest things about being gay and Mormon are hearing talks on life and acceptance and then having the exact opposite occur; trying to be a part of a community that honestly doesn’t want to try to understand you; and having to be continually told that the best option for me is to live a life of celibacy even though you see your friends with their significant others. The list goes on…
Wendall Hair grew up in Fayetteville, North Carolina and joined the Mormon church a decade ago at age seventeen. He came out as gay four years ago.